I know I’m Jinxing Myself

January 14, 2008

Well, two more checkboxes to cross off the list in our Journeys Through the Wonders of Toddlerhood. 

  • Cleaned up Baby Puke
  • Visited the Emergency Room

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Part Two

December 4, 2007

I meant to write all this stuff last year, but never really got around to it.  But this is the story of what happened after Zachary was born.

Once again, this part is really long…. And mostly just me wanting to keep track of it, before I forget….

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It was one year ago today…

November 21, 2007

This time…. one year ago…

Most important day in my life?  Kindof weird to say that.  And I may be too self-absorbed, self-important, to really say that about a day where I was mostly in a supporting role.

Most significant day in my life?  Yes.  For the simple reason, that on this day in 2006, I became a father.  For the rest of my life, I have that title.  Even if I dismiss it (no plans to ever).  Even if he, one day, dismisses it (hope I’m never that big of a jerk).  It is still true, I am a father, now.  All other designations (high school graduate, husband, home-owner, licensed driver, Grand Cardinal of the Black Priesthood of Ancient Mu) are so much more situational, cultural, or temporary.  Being a father is cultural, social, but also it is biological.  And you just can’t argue with biology.  Well, not successfully.

(This one got a bit long… skip if you want, or if you’ve heard it already)

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Current Kids Television

October 30, 2007

Once you have a child, at some point in time you are required by law to make comments about the state of children’s television and how it compared to what you watched as a kid. 

This tends to take two forms.  Read the rest of this entry »

Zack Status

October 17, 2007

Well, here are the lastest things going on with my son, as of October 17th, 2007:

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Latest Routine

September 25, 2007

I’ve always had an inert desire to be a stand-up comedian.  The idea of being able to make a large number of people laugh really appeals to me.  I could never really be one.  I think pretty good on my feet, but not good enough.  My perspective is not unique enough (if at all).  And I’d probably try to turn myself into a Bill Hicks like preacher/philosopher before I actually had an audience. 

So every once in a while, I come up with a small bit, that if I were a stand-up comedian (like, if I were a samoan attorney) I would use.

It’s very weird to be inside the problem, rather than ranting outside of it.  Take for instance, kids these days.  I’m a new father, and it’s amazing the safety precautions and overprotection there is for these kids. 

There’s sippy cups that don’t spill, pressure gates so they don’t tumble down the stairs, latches and lights inside car trunks so they don’t die in there.  I mean where are the cautionary tales from our youth.  The neo-myths that cautioned us against certain behavior. The evils of combining coke and Pop Rocks. The cautionary tale of the kid who took the big wheel down a steep hill and split his head open. And of course the story of Ralphie and the Red Rider.

The only thing worse out there is the food.  We buy our son, one of those 100% juice brands.  Strawberry Bannana and Berry and such.  So I’m trying to teach him to drink out of a glass, and he wasn’t interested that day.  So I decided to not waste the juice, and drink it myself.

I mean, logical conclusion to the following condidions, right?  I like juice.  I have leftover juice.  I’m thirsty. 

I nearly spit the stuff out all over my son.  This was the nastiest stuff I’ve drank without a dare or a promise that it will make me feel really good. 

Turns out, I don’t like juice.  Nope.  I’ve been living a lie.  All of the juice that I’ve been drinking all of these years is just sugar water, with some juice thrown in.  When I was young, 10% of the daily allowance of Vitamin C was good enough.  Today, it has to be 100 percent juice, no sugar, no additives.  Cause SUGAR IS BAD.

I asked my niece if she wanted to try some Cherry Coke the other day, as she told me that she liked Cherry Coke candy.  She shrugged her shoulders, but her mother had a look of utter horror on her face. 

NOT THE SUGAR!!!!!!!!!  HOW DARE YOU!!!!!!!!

We always go to far in this country.  It’s so ridiculous. 

I have a theory though.  And that is that the scientists of the United States spend the next 10 years investigating the causes of Autism.  And they discover that its not the mercury in vaccinations, or pollution in the air, or nuclear waste being dumped into our rivers that causes autism.

It’s the lack of sugar in our diet.  It is sugar that increases the connections in the brain, opens brain waves, and increases our observation skills. 

That’d be justice right?

(Actually, now that it’s done, sounds more like a Dave Barry piece… Oh well…)

Self Exploration

September 7, 2007

Most nights, I’m the one who takes my son Zachary up for his bath.  He’s nine months old now, and sits in the tub while he gets the scrubbin.

Recently, he discovered the location of his genitals, and proceeds to grab them while he’s in the tub. 

As a guy, I had two reactions to this.  The first reaction is one of conflict.  I certainly don’t want him to do this all the time.  You never know where habits begin.  But by the same token, I didn’t want to go all Victorian Age on him and have him think that “That’s dirty… you shouldn’t do such things… I’m taking you to the Priest on Sunday!!!”

My second reaction was more along the following:


(Lovingly ‘borrowed’ from Berkeley Breathed’s site)

So, Suze was taking Zack to the doctor, and I asked her to mention it to the doctor.  More because that certain things are ‘signs’ that your kid is trying to relay to you.  When the baby tugs on his ear, it means that his sinuses might be bothering him. 

And I didn’t want a doctor saying in six months.  “You mean he was tugging at his junk six months ago, and you didn’t tell us?  If we had known, we could have spared your son the fate of conjunctive penisites.”

The comment from the doctor, was (basically) the following:

“No, it’s perfectly normal. Frankly, we would be concerned if he wasn’t touching it.”

If only I had this excuse when I was younger.