On the Precipice Looking Inward

On the Precipice Looking Down

Okay, now why would a supposedly rational human being… (There’s that “rational” word again… Flashing back to a night riding the UDel drunk bus, and trying to convince myself that I’m “rational.” Unfortunately, I was talking out loud at the time.). Why would a rational human being be scared about bringing a youngun into the world. Why would the thought of being a father make me so worried, or thinking that my world, as I know it, is about to change for the worse.

The reality is that I like kids. I’m not sure that I like infants, but I definitely like kids. I love having Sara over the house. I enjoy playing with Ben. I even have fun when Katie is around. And there is that sense that I am temporary in their lives. That in the grand scheme of things, I am merely a presence.

Thinking back to my younger years. I had people who were very important in my life, who weren’t even members of my family. However, I’d say that most of them were “always” in my life. They were people who knew me, before I learned to walk and talk. Yes, there were people who took an interest in me, and such. But there wasn’t really anyone who I met when I was 7 or 10 or whatever, or anyone who I saw twice a year who I felt a strong bond with.

So, I certainly don’t blame them. I’d like to be closer to Sara than I am, but that may just simply be a guy/girl thing. Not having any sisters or even close cousins, I can’t really say how they regarded their uncles. And I’m not a typical uncle in any way, shape or form.

Let’s move on people.

So, I want that closer bond with a child. I want to teach. I want to read them stories. I want to watch them grow. I want to shape their lives.

And, the timing is right.

Let’s face it, I am being forcibly forced out of the “Hey, do you want to just hang out this weekend” lifestyle. In fact, I probably have been out of that lifestyle for quite some time. With purchasing a house, getting married, and having a steady job with an hour commute, playing things off the cuff and on the fly is rather difficult. Even the spontaneous, “fuck it, we’ll do it tomorrow” attitude that Suzanne and I seem to enjoy, really comes back and bites us in the ass fairly often. It leads to piles of clothes on the floor, dust all over the house, and eating out when we don’t need to spend the money or the calories on substandard food and service.

So, a major overhaul is probably needed and desired. It’s the adult response. It’s the mature response. For God’s sake, I’m 35 years old. I shouldn’t have piles of dirty clothes on the floor. There shouldn’t be dirty dishes in the sink. I shouldn’t procrastinate about my bills. I should be responsible. And in fact, I can’t even say that I don’t want to be responsible. I like a clean house. I like when the bills are paid. I enjoy eating healthy.

And yet….

And it the ‘and yet’ that gets me every time.

And yet, it’s very trapping.

You feel like you’re giving up the life that you’ve known for so long. Being completely responsible for another person’s well being is completely different than anything else. It’s different than owning a dog, taking care of a house, or even becoming partners with another human being.

First off, it’s permanent. Unless, the baby arrives and Suzanne and I immediately decide to put the baby up for adoption, Suzanne and I will be parents. A pet will pass away, or you can give them away to people. You can sell a house. You can separate or divorce your partner. But no matter what, come late November, I will be a Father. And I will be a Father for the rest of my life.

I mean, I’ve never gotten a tattoo, because there’s nothing that I was sure I wanted for the rest of my life. And now, we’ve got a baby on the way.

Maybe I should go get a tattoo.

And then there’s the aspect of the life between Suzanne and I changing. Our relationship changing. I mean even right now things have changed between us. Whereas before, she hated being the little woman, the one to be pampered, now she’s needing this sort of attention. She is so tired and feels so uncomfortable at times.

And then we move onto responsibilities.That is the overwhelming part of the equation. Forgetting for a moment, the increased financial burden that a child places on your life. Let’s ignore that for just one moment. Let’s forget the food, clothes, toys, and medicine that needs to be purchased.

Let’s just talk about daycare, college, and marriage (if it’s a girl). Those are the three that scare the living piss out of me. How can one afford this? It’s unbelievable.

I am happy about it.

I am one to rant. I will rant for hours about the problems of a movie that I loved. That’s just me. That’s just how I am.

But, is scary times in the Schwabe household. I need to play Powerball more often. Or become a championship Craps player.

Anyway, I’ll try to be more concise, precise, and advice next time.




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